Family Feuds
20
Sep
My mother often says that family is “better than medicine.” But that’s not always the case. Family can sometimes be the source of our deepest pain.
Perhaps you are a child whose family has turned away from you because they can’t accept your “lifestyle choice,” your political orientation or spiritual beliefs, or because you have broken cultural rules or family traditions. There are so many ways family can hurt us. But when we exercise Compassion in dealing with difficult family relationships, we reconnect through love.
A blended family
My friend Laura is a New Englander. She has a regal demeanor and is mostly rather restrained—until her patience is tested.
Francesca is originally from Mexico; she thrives on fiery conversations over tables laden with spicy foods.
These two women are intelligent, opinionated, strong willed, intrepid and fierce pioneers in peace, justice, inclusion, and human rights issues. Both these women married the same man.
Ellington was married to Laura and is now married to Francesca, who is pregnant with their first child. Though Ellington and Laura’s divorce was drawn-out and bitter, they were able to work out a joint custody agreement for their two children. But the animus didn’t just magically disappear, even though they surely wished it would.
The pain of disappointment lingers, and makes it hard for us to be loving and compassionate toward one another. This makes us fearful and uptight, when we would so much rather be accepting and kind.
Extend Compassion toward your foes
A big family celebration was the occasion for some soul searching. One of the two children, Susan, was being confirmed and the entire family—including a heavily pregnant Francesca—was planning to attend a congratulatory luncheon. The night before, I received a panicked email from Francesca.
“This will be the first time father and mother plus all of us sit down together sharing lunch…I have so much trepidation,” she wrote. “It is so hard to be truthful about all of these feelings…please give me a few words.”
She was afraid the anger that haunted her would mar celebration. I wrote back: “Remember that at your core you are nothing but beautiful, beloved goodness. Get in touch with that. And remember that Laura is also nothing but beautiful, beloved goodness. All the horrible behavior you have felt from her has been coming from her false and fearful self.”
I recommended that she take some Stillness into her soul and allow this to guide her treatment of Laura. “Make an internal spiritual bow to Laura’s loving self no matter what and you will be free of fear the entire time.”
Francesca immediately thanked me and told me that my words brought tears to her eyes.
Those tears did not surprise me. Compassion stirs the deepest parts of our being. It heals our wounds. When we are treated with Compassion, we are presented with a new vision of ourselves—we become someone who believes that we can change, that we can have a fresh start, and that there is something precious, creative, loving, and sacred alive in us.