Look to the Future, Rather than Living in the Past
06
Aug
Forgiveness is healing. Refusing to forgive is toxic. In fact, grudge-holding and nursing resentments and hatred are often compared to drinking poison while expecting the other person to get sick.
Some years ago, I was racked with anger and bitterness at someone who had done me wrong. For many months I forfeited my freedom by being preoccupied with this person’s misdeeds. Truly, I was no longer myself. On reflection I realized that I had allowed the experience—and the person who had done wrong—to hijack my spirit.
Forgiving is such a very difficult part of the human journey. Will the families of the Aurora shooting victims be able to forgive the gunman, who stole the lives of their loved ones? Can the young men damaged by Penn State’s Jerry Sandusky forgive those who willfully turned a blind eye to their abuse?
Have you experienced terrible pain inflicted by another? Do you harbor an anger that eats you up inside? When we yearn for life to make sense and yet it doesn’t, we can cling to bitterness believing this gives us strength. When we are stuck in bitterness, it can seem impossible to return to our free, whole, and open-hearted selves.
Many people ask whether Forgiveness is always warranted. Doesn’t Forgiveness dishonor the pain? I don’t believe so. Forgiveness is always the right step on our journey toward love and wholeness because it sets us free.
I was struck by a recent New York Times Magazine article by Scott Anderson about a man named Greg Ousley. When he was 14 years old, he killed his parents. He has spent 16 years in prison during which time he has become deeply reflective, repentant, educated and passionate about helping teens. Now it’s up to his close relatives to decide whether he gets an early release or not.
One aunt cannot forgive him. There will be no release. The journalist asks, and I wonder: When does “the thirst for punishment”–beyond appropriate and just accountability–become counterproductive to everyone?
When do we need to let go, for our own sakes? How can we let go?
Forgiveness, you see, is ultimately more about us than it is about the perpetrator of the crime against us. The negative energy of bitterness, resentments and the desire for revenge blocks us from our best and truest selves. Yet when we are able to forgive, the energy inside us becomes one of love, light, and clarity. It is as though our very souls are freed. Archbishop Desmond Tutu has said, “without forgiveness, there is no future.” Forgiveness allows us to look forward rather than backward. The scars remain, but they are no longer open wounds.
If we want a future that is both healthy and free, we must work toward the goal of Forgiveness in all cases. Even when we cannot will it, we can at least desire it.
“Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave,” said Indira Ghandi. I say, be brave. Be courageous. Free yourself. Open yourself to let the power of Forgiveness flow through you.
Do you have an old wound that needs healing? If you want to free yourself from your pain, try taking these small steps:
- Become still and reflective. Think of the harmful effects on your life of not forgiving.
- Acknowledge difficult feelings. As the names, faces or events that need Forgiveness bubble up into your consciousness, accept that you may become uncomfortable. Trust that this feeling can pass.
- Make a list. If several occasions for Forgiveness arise, write them down somewhere private. Your goal will be to make this list unnecessary.
- Create an image of love. Choose a person on your list and imagine him or her whole, surrounded by the healing light of the Beloved. If resistance rises in you, then ask for the desire to forgive.
- Repeat an affirmation. Offer a sincere prayer or wish that the other person may grow to a new level of thoughtfulness, compassion, and security. Repeat this often. The key is to try to let go of your resentment as you wish the best for the offenders.
- Protect yourself. If you need emotional, legal or physical boundaries, find someone appropriate who can help you. This process is about healing yourself and setting yourself free, and to do so you have the right to feel safe.